Dont be in love with the notion of being in love

Dear Alethea:

You're an awfully nice girl - the kind who cant say "no".

And you seem to think you're hopelessly "in love", with a guy a couple of years your junior.

From little bits I've gather from your blog and from others that have been in contact with you, you do so much for him because "you love him". (eg cook, laundry, groceries yada yada on top of so many other things)

You're both students in a foreign country. No one can dictate that you ought not to have a fulfilling relationship. But how fulfilling is it when he can
1) look at other girls,
2) do a full blown analysis on why the current girl in question is better than you by the multiples. I quote from your page: "I wish I'm prettier so that someone wouldn't say, 'What to do... My gf is not pretty so I got to look at other girls.'"
3) complains that you are fat fat FAT,
4) one wrinkle too many,
5) scars aplenty
6) spend YOUR MONEY to make him THINK he's happy
- do some thing to your eyebrows so they "suit you"
- doll up all the time so you tarnish your skin and it will FOREVER BE HORRID
- go for regular hair appointments
- Buy Jewellery
- change your entire waredrobe because he likes it, even if you don't
7) Thinks you're smelly
8) LIMIT YOU, when anything goes for him?
- your opinions
- your right to people watch
- AGAINTS YOUR FRIENDS
9) thinks you're DUMB - and frankly, i'm beginning to agree with him on this point, and you know why
- just because you cant manipulate a particular programming language as well as he can
- just because you let him have his way all the time
... and the list goes on

All he has to do is remember *important* dates and you're satisfied?

And then you rant on your blog, but dont say a thing when we IM, even thou your nick reads something like "Alethea wants to die badly. :(". Infact, you tend to skirt the topic. So we check on your blog, and realise 95% of the time, you're just upset. How can you even remotely bluff us, AND YOURSELF that "there are good times, i just didnt say"... even if there were, it only makes up 5%. Anyway, who in the right mind won't tell happy stuff?

So you wonder why you even bother to blog about it. Its your escapism if you ask me. You dont want to talk directly to any of your friends who know your character, who knows that this guy is affecting you very badly. But you'll let us read about it.

Furthermore, by not standing up for yourself, you hide behind a farce of an excuse and "agreed with him that unconditional love is when the woman does EVERYTHING the man says."

BULLSHIT.

There is a difference once the fine line between love and exploitation is crossed.

What happened to the spunk, girl.
"I used to be so cheerful and full of confidence. But I feel whenever I speak up, I will make the mistake and get scolding or make someone else pissed. :("
You dont have ditch your independence or let your confidence wane when you're attached. You've been thru a few "bad patches" (according to you) with him, all because you wanted to have some say in the relationship while he wanted total domination. What kinda fucked up logic is that in this day and age?

You will NOT be appreciated now, and you will NEVER be appreciated only because you let your true self go, to conform to just that 1 person's inconceivably ridiculous expectations. And you expect him to be interested in someone who eventually doesnt stimulate him intellectually/ emotionally and thus sexually?

Please Alethea. For once, step back and at least try to look at your situation objectively. What would YOU do if any of your good friends were in such a situation.

Its not that we don't respect your decisions, but it would be nice to know we're considered good enough friends for you to keep our opinions in mind, and talk to us when you feel down.

You know me, I wouldnt be bothered if i didnt really care.
This has bugged me for too long! And its not just me who feels this way. I can name plenty of people who are just as concerned as I am.

Sigh, Come home soon dear.
Chinfee

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Thanks dawne.
THE TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

alet, a few quotes:

- The manipulator will often choose someone who is susceptible to being controlled and undermined due to their own lack of confidence, dependent needs and desire for someone who will appear to protect them, care for them, give approval and make them feel needed.
- Shaming: Putting down, insulting and using sarcasm to make the other person feel inadequate. This way they stay in power as the other person weakens.
- Charm: A good controller is always seductive and knows how to be flattering at times in order to reel in their partner and bind her more tightly to him.
- Turning the tables: They will claim that they in fact are the victim and are being put upon, to deflect any blame or confrontation and further induce guilt in their partner."
- "Who am I?: A feeling that you don't really know who you are anymore. You start to believe you are all these shameful, terrible things or are becoming someone you don't even recognize.
- Isolation: Controllers work to isolate you from anyone else in your life who may support you and make their work more difficult. They may be intensely jealous and keep you from both friends and family. Eventually you find yourself isolated from everyone but him.
- Lying: You will start lying to others in order to collude with him that nothing is going on. You will defend him despite your own panic and this will require distorting the truth to anyone that asks.

If you are going to say that he ought to be given a chance, I'd say he has been given too many. You may argue that he isnt experienced with relationships.. but you are! if its anyone's fault, its going to be yours alone now, because you let it happen over and over again.