just what do i want?

a few days ago, a friend was clearing the air abt another person's situation.

This friend told me that this person, though seemingly looks fun/playful/hot, really just wants to settle down, and make breakfast for her husband and kids everyday..
That kinda got me wonderin if what i wanted for my family, for my kids, was really how I was brought up..

During my formation years, my parents tried to spend as much time as possible with me. In a way, I'm lucky coz I'm first born - they claim more effort on their part to come home every other night to make sure their child sees them, instead of just the maid. But my fading memories still lie with the likes of my 'nanny', more than my mum. *shrug

My parents did good, i guess. We are a pretty close family. I enjoy family dinners, whether or not i know i'd be berated for bad exam results or reminiscing the younger years of our childhood with my parents..

I'd say that we still are, thou family dinners are less often, one less daddy, and happy chatter is replaced by the TV.. Thankfully, we still have those bonds from 'yesteryear'... that, I hope, will never be broken...

So, I've always known, that I want a family. Somehow, I'm not anywhere near there.

The decision to "leave things be, enjoy my life now" weighs equal to "if someone finds me, I find him, settle down and enjoy my family, my kids".

THen the headache of wonderin if an early marriage will end like many others before - dead end - because one didnt have enough time to enjoy each other, before the kids.

And with kids, will I be working like my mum? will i only spend the weekends with them, but the nanny takes over for the majority? I find myself appalled at the idea that the nanny will snatch, what is rightfully mine, the maternal role..


A couple of years ago, if you asked me: find a man, marry early, start a family? or enjoy your life, see the world, havoc, and settle down later
-- I'd have chosen the latter.

Now, I realise, even if I wait till later, I may never find what I really want.. and thats MORE TIME wasted on 'airy' things, and LESS TIME LEFT to get what i really want
-- I want to be like that person, that girl. She who has a family, and she enjoys her kids, instead of working more than 3/4 the time..

So the question is: HOW?
Means i gotta make a TON of money before I get artificial insemination done, to have my own child(ren).. TO be able to support the brood on my own...
- i didnt mention dirty cheating husbands, did i?

RIght, joking. THe father figure will always be close and dear to my heart.. I hope my children have the same thing I had with my dad.. (otherwise, i'd rather just scrap the whole family thing.. TSK. SUCH A BOTHER HUH!)

Well... Yes, I think that is what I want.

Whether I'd be lucky enough, is another story.



Current MSN Nick: I could hang about and burn my fingers I've been hanging out here waiting for something to start


** Dear Ju-anne, you dont read my blog, i presume. But I will put it here anyway: I heard through the grapevine (yuki from deanna) that your father recently passed on. My condolences. I fully empathise with you, and your family. We have never really been close, but I sincerely hope for the best, or you and family, as how life has treated my family after the demise of my daddy. - Love, CF.